dear Millie, upon 16 months

I wrote your sister when she was 16 months, so here is a little letter to you.

First of all, I can't believe you are getting so big. I guess I thought you would stay a baby forever. You have been the sweetest baby, so that would have been all right with me.

God gave your sister spirit, and he gave you a gentle, but fighting spirit.

You saunter around, looking for something to eat, something to hold.

You bury your little head in our knees, as if to say, just love me.

You are very attached to your lovie and paci. These are your constant companions.

that, and me and Annie. daddy, too- but you know, he's out there making a living and all!

You came into the world fast, but have nestled in close from the get go. like you know that entrance was fast and furious, and the rest of your life would be about taking it slow.

You are saying a few words. like daddy, and uh-oh. and more. you can say ball, too.

You don't seem to be talking a ton yet, but you love saying "AHHHH- CHOOOO". I guess we sneeze a lot around here.

you love playing chase with Annie, and your giggles are contagious.

We are all just generally goo goo over you, and can't imagine this family without you.

I love you!

mama

house rules

have you seen these? all over pinterest? hobby lobby caught on, I saw a big canvas yesterday.


anyway, in my effort to keep it real, I made up some of my own.


in this house.

we throw spaghetti on the floor

we throw tantrums

we watch a wee bit too much tv

we forget to brush our teeth

we may or may not say expletives when we almost have wrecks

we wash our colors and whites together

we occasionally drink real coke. with high fructose corn syrup.

in this house

we try to pray.

we try to forgive.

we get frustrated.

we read, but not as much as we could.

we love, but not as well as we could.

in this house

we live by mercy.

we wrong each other a million times a day.

in this house

all we have is jesus.

and even that, we tend to forget.

the things we say

The comparison game. I think this is women's biggest downfall.

I didn't think it was mine, but I am learning differently.

That thing that wells up inside me when I feel like someone is trying to do better than me.

feed their kids better. feed themselves better. better activities. more reading. less tv.

you know what I am talking about?

My heart leans into the critical. Some folks start feeling insecure, I just get angry.

Why does everyone think they are so damn awesome? Don't they see how BAD they are making people feel (ahem, me?)


And then I think about my own life, my own words, my own journey?

We share these tidbits of our lives, I think, because of the pride (not bad pride) that wells up in us we actually start making strides for good.

When God gives us what we need to be who we want to be.

And that's what I am fighting for today.

I don't know how we fight for these things without coming across judge-y?

I don't know how to receive someone else's victory without feeling condemned?

I think about my own spiritual journey into the Catholic church. How do I write among my protestant friends without sounding like I found what was right, and everything before was wrong?

But I am seeing, that one could feel this way? I hate that.

I hate it because I don't feel that way.

And so, I guess I want to say here, 8 years later on this little blog, that we are all in this together.

I am not better. Being Catholic is not better. I drink Coke sometimes. and eat too many cookies.
I care about health, but I am not always healthy.

at the end of the day, I am just a girl, in need of God's love, and begging the world to find some mercy in the way we treat and write and talk about one another.

I think life must have been easier, in some respects, when you lived on a farm, and didn't know what all 429 of your friends were doing, reading, vacationing, and eating at any given point.

thank you, facebook, for officially making us all generally unbearable:)

we hath this treasure in earthen vessels....

the illusion of a photo.

that life is hot tea, and flip flops, and warm baked bread.

these are all images of my real life.

but my real life is also hacking coughs, sleepless nights, three year old tempers.

It's take out, for a week, because mama just isn't feeling it.

there is always before me, the ideal. the hope. and the reality.

I love among them all. I catch glimpses, even live the life I long for, for brief moments.

but I am always reminded, always- that I hold these treasures in earthen vessels.

this week, I hear of two young mom's living out their last days battling cancer.

Lord, have mercy.

I watch a plane crash on grey's anatomy and remember a dear friend who lost her life in such a way. the tears fall. I am not sure I have ever really cried over her loss.

Christ, have mercy.

I look at my own life. I see an update of Facebook about how someone has planned a Summer full of paleo meals. I feel judged.

Lord, have mercy.

and then I went to Sonic and bought a milk shake. Because I am free. and loved. 

and then I walked three miles, because I am free and loved.

and life is short. I have learned that the most this week.