not typical, but I'm crazy like that.

so, I've been thinking about things that I love lately, things that make my life easier, more functional.

* my cuisinart griddler I love this thing. Think of it as a fancier George Foreman- and much easier to clean and use. I use this ALL the time. I grill/sear almost all of our meat in it. It always stays out. and I love it more than words.

* This book is changing my life. I am not even being dramatic. My SIL originally gave me a cookbook of her's back when Josh and I got married - "how to cook without a cookbook"- which I still use ALOT. But this book is like a memoir/recipe book- LOADED with easy, healthy dishes. As with her other cookbook, she really teaches how to cook, how to stock your pantry, and how to make simple, lovely, food. I love it because I don't have tons of left overs- just enough to feed Josh and I. I was exhausting myself trying to include the girls in my meal planning, when really, it's just easier for me to cook separately for them. Annie is perfectly content eating yogurt with peaches for dinner, so why waste the money, calories, fat, on making enchiladas big enough to feed a small country? She also talks about how she introduced rhythm and routine into her eating habits, and how basically, it changed her life. She lost 42 pounds and has kept it off.

* my 2:30 coffee date. Every afternoon I sit down for a cup or 2 of coffee. And I do whatever I want. Kids can play, watch tv. I don't really care. This also staves off those afternoon nibbles and gets me to dinner without eating a box of cheezits.

* my bike. I've talked about this already, but I love my bike. or I should say riding my bike. The actual bike broke a couple of weeks ago, and I have been beside myself. Turns out it is totally defective and after I sweet talked an Amazon Rep for an hour, I got her to refund the entire bike. I might have mentioned "lawyer" a couple of times, but I spent 600.00 on this bike and I wasn't having it. It became clear that I had "won" when the rep (and I) realized this bike had been bought by a company that sells teddy bears and were trying to unload them. This is totally illegal- and I think from the recent reviews, I am not the only one this is happening to- The actual company that sold the bike is now defunct, bla bla bla- It was actually an awesome bike, had it worked, but oh well. My new one gets her tomorrow.

BUT my point, is that having something accessible, in my home, that I LIKE, has been wonderful and life changing.


ok, my coffee cup is empty. and the kids are, well, needing me.

oh well, more later

phase one.

I feel like I can confidently start writing about this, because I have a small amount of confidence that I have not had, and a long enough way to go to keep me humble. I have tried, perhaps too hard sometimes, to be honest on this blog, and share my life. so here's what's been happening...

so, around October of this past year, I slammed up against a wall.

3 years of infertility.
a move to middle america.
2 hard pregnancies.
Alopecia diagnosis
and a spiritual crisis later.

I was done. mentally. physically. spiritually.

I needed a major lifestyle change.

I had played around with weight watchers. I had joined a gym, which totally stressed me out to GET to- just wrangling the kids and getting there was enough to send me straight to the donut shop.

anyway, my point being, that I was unhappy with the way my life "felt", from the inside out. I was tired. stressed. and lethargic. and physically, I just wanted to be a better me.

so, enters phase 1.

I knew from the get go, that I HAD to get physical activity back into my life. And I knew, I KNEW, it had to be something attainable. something accessible. Something that didn't require me to transport kids in anything, to anywhere. I needed to do it every day. and I needed to sweat.

With two kids in diapers (at the time, thankfully one has graduated!), even getting the kids dressed for a walk was sketchy- and with this wild Oklahoma weather, it just wasn't something I could depend on every. single. day.

I knew, at least for phase 1, it had to be this way.

So, enters spin bike and my trusty POLAR heart rate monitor.

About 14 weeks ago, I started riding that bike every day, usually taking at least 1 day off. sometimes 2. But for 14 weeks, I have consistently hopped on my bike, and rode. and sweat. It has helped my mental state more than you know.

I wanted (and still want) all the benefits of exercising- one of them being weight loss- but phase one was not about that. If anything, I wanted to see what exercise looked like without me changing much of anything else. For me, I have learned that major overhauls last about a week for me- and this was about a major life change. I was (and am) willing to take it slow to see what actually works. What  I can keep. What I can't.

And that's where I am, as I enter phase 2.

And what's phase 2?

Dropping the poundage.

But I am not facing it with dread. Which is great! I feel like I have this great accomplishment under my belt, something I KNOW will help me in the coming months.

What I learned from phase 1 was that as much as I like those brownies in a cup (thanks, pinterest!), I can't have that every night. Or any dessert every night. I can't drink sweet tea every day. If I am honest, which I am trying to be, I was doing this more than I care to admit.

I also just can't have cookies and cakes around. I just eat them. they are too good. I have weak when they are near. I am powerless in their presence. and that is not an exaggeration.

So phase 2 will be a work in progress. Learning what I can have and what I can't.

I am keeping my coffee with the hazelnut creamer. just so you know.

I don't know if I'll try and sneak something small in each  day, or have one cheat day a week and eat as I wish- but I do promise to check in several months from now and let you know how it all went down.

What I won't be doing is telling you how to change your life. We all have lives and we all know what it takes to get through the day. People are strangely and beautifully different. I won't be telling you to give up your sugar, and never eat flour again. I'll share what is working for me, and most likely how I took the long road in getting there. For some of you, you might to do good to eat MORE brownies. Who knows, but what I do know is that food is a beautiful thing to be enjoyed, and phase 2 is about getting that right. at least right for me.

I am ok with it being long, as long as I get there.

I'm gonna get there.

I don't know what phase 3 is, but I think it has something to do with God. but we'll see when we get there.

thanks for letting me share.

in the trenches.

Friday night, I woke up with a stomach ache. The kind where you know it doesn't end well. I fought it off for the night, but surrendered in the morning. The rest of the day was a phenergan induced haze.

kind of.

Annie had succumbed to the same bug as me. She was feverish and listless.

I knew, it was only a matter of time before.

we. all. fell. down.

And we have, one by one. Last night, sweet Millie moaned all night, that little tummy of hers giving fits.

Josh came home today. the last man standing. but not anymore.

I feel tired. like we are in trenches. And yet I know deeply that we are lucky. that it will pass.

I used to dream about shaping the minds and hearts of my young babes.

but honestly, most days it feels like management. We are moving from one meal, to one potty, to another activity. throw a time-out in there and some serious mommy frustration. Is it bed time yet?

but then it IS bedtime, and annie looks at me as we "rock, rock"..

"mommy, I had a good day with you."

sigh.

me too, girl. me, too.

learning what works.

I am sitting at my computer, while my kids are playing together. Is this happening?

It is.  And it's mostly because I laid down my agenda. I don't say that to brag. I didn't do it happily.

I did it, because my agenda kept failing. It kept voices louder and angrier.

It just wasn't working.

So, every morning I race to drink my coffee, and end up irritated because the kids are hungry. Gah, seriously?

Then I force Amelia to take a nap so I can get my workout in. This involves 20 minutes of screaming, me being frustrated, etc..

Then I hop in the bike, and Annie has to  potty. or needs a new tv show. or wants a snack. and then she starts yelling. wakes sister up.

I'm angry.

Then I have about 25 minutes to get dressed, packed up, and get to whatever event we are headed to.

I am totally defeated, and it's only 9:30.

So, yesterday, I surrendered.

Today, I fed everyone, and THEN drank my coffee.

win.

Then I decided that the exercise will come later. I don't know when, but it will be later.

So instead, the girls are playing. giggling. noone is yelling.

win.

I hear Amelia getting sleepy. So now she will sleep, and I will  take my time getting ready.

win.

so far, noone has been yelled at. I am at peace.

and there you go.

I am a slow learner.