okay

For those who thought I might have been teetering on the edge given my past couple of posts, I am doing better today.

Last night, Annie came into my room before bedtime. We cuddled and chatted. She kissed me  on the cheeks at least 20 times. I think I needed the sweet connection more than her. It was a kind moment in the middle of a stormy week.

The truth is. I just wish I was better. I wish I had more energy. I wish so many things.

But I am me, and she is she- and we are all in this together.

thanks for letting me keep it real, here.

speaking of real. I didn't update on our third week of Catholic class. To be honest, it was SUPER boring. We had a speaker, who spoke on the Covenants- which Josh could teach in his sleep. It was kind of frustrating, because I actually love looking  at the different covenants and how they grow into God's beautiful plan of redemption- but this guy, though I am sure sincere, was a bit on the dry side. Anyway, nothing new really to report, just trucking along.

with Annie, it's drama. all day long.

Annie doesn't do anything without drama and energy. This is beautiful and exhausting. We've reached a major whiney phase lately, and much drama at bedtime. Everything I read says to ignore the behavior. But I feel like my body gets sent out of orbit at every tantrum. I hit the wall last week- have I mentioned this already? I'll be honest, its  been difficult to stare the day in the face some mornings. I just feel frustrated, trying every way to make this season easier. I come up short, daily. I sin. I raise my voice. I spank with too much anger in my heart.

No mother of the year award for me.

I wish I was better at this, but I am not. I am actually a lot like Annie, which should be make me more compassionate, more patient, more motherly.

so anyway, sometimes all you can do is paint and let the drama unfold on paper.

and there you have it.

sighs

I am having a hard couple of weeks. Feeling the discouragement of not sleeping through the night, well, in YEARS. Feeling the needs of my family, draining every ounce of energy that I have. Knowing I am lucky, blessed beyond measure, completely spoiled rotten, and feeling fairly worthless even writing these words.

I am living in the most glorious month that there is. October.

and today, I am committing it to beauty.

A wreath will be made.
Flowers planted.
and  a reading chair for the front porch will be found.

before long, the winter will set in. we'll be cozy by the fire and missing these days.

I'm trying to turn my discontent into contentment.

It's not easy. and I would rather pout.

let's hope the better wins today.

Annie just crawled in my lap.

"I need hug"

she hugs. She looks.

"You are very cute"

me, "thankyou, annie"

"I love you"

me, "I love you, too."

"I watch tv"

me, "ok"

ah.

Scenes from a Monday

I have been working on the weekends, so Mondays are a little overwhelming.

lots to clean up.

but cute girls to look at:)