drawing a blank

I know that I don't have to write here. It's a space. open for my words when they need a place to dwell. but silence is ok and I try to respect that when I need to. Sometimes I want to write, but I worry about leaning in one mood too often. So, I draw back. let things marinate awhile. Sometimes my heart is just full of criticism and I try, perhaps not well, to not make this a dumping ground wherein I share about all the things that annoy me about people and how ultimately nothing really ever meets my expectations. I read blogs like that, and my heart tightens- and I just wonder what good it does. There is a place for being real, and I certainly champion that, but sometimes restraint is good. especially when you are mad. That happens a lot here. I get the words down. I read them. My heart feels more heavy than when I started. and I press delete.

When one feels as sick as I have been feeling, one has the time to think a lot. And I have been grieving some about our life here and how it goes so slow sometimes. How our choices don't always seem to line up with our commitments, and I just feel lost as to how to make that better. I give myself some grace as we wade through this "valley of the diapers" phase of life- but I just have this nagging sense that I might regret not trying harder.

So, here I am, in this nice middle class neighborhood, and I hardly know my neighbors. I drive to church on a main road, with no foot traffic at all. I wonder how accessible such a place is to the wanderer. I crave history and liturgy and community, and somehow feel like we have found none in the pursuit of all 3. I feel, often, less identified with a group that I have always felt so secure in. The Church. When dusk arrives and the nausea seems to triumph, my prayers are weak, and I feel inspired by little.

and I think, this is not my best season.

but I have hope, despite it all.

a good husband, who prays well.

and we have Jesus, which I hang on for dear life. or maybe it's the other way around.

first day

josh went back to school, and so far Annie and I have survived with a little help from our friends.

went to the park this morning and ran into some friends, which always helps in the getting your child exhausted category.

A.M. bath because somebody likes to play with all the wood chips in said playground.

snack, some quiet time in the pack-n-play, and then 2 hour nap. FOR BOTH OF US!

an afternoon trip to the grocery for fruit, fixins for tacos, and coke. because the nausea was setting in and for some reason, just like with Annie, coke is one of the only things that stays down. Diet doesn't. in case you wondered. I tried it already.

the heat was so ridiculous, I barely made it the .5 mile home.

but I did.

We cranked up some tunes and played on the floor.

then the nausea really came on and Dora came to my rescue.

and now I am staring at the clock hoping some handsome young man walks through the front door. soon.

you will thank me for the parts of this day that I left out. Trying to not make this a diary of my upchucks.

the moral of the story. we almost made it. small victories. but victories indeed.

I should say thank you

to josh.

who takes his vows seriously, even though I know how hard that must be some days.
especially lately, when each day is a mystery as to how I might feel.
even now, he is at church with Annie, as I spent the wee hours dry heaving into that beautiful porcelain goddess.
I even tried to get Annie up this morning, let him sleep some, but I barely got her into the highchair until it all started again, into a not so aromatic trashcan.
Annie spent the remainder of the morning, so I am told, spitting on the floor. they apparently copy everything.

I am finally up. The house is quiet. Pandora plays.

and I am drinking a Dr. Pepper. with sugar. because desperate times....

relief.

For some reasons beyond any hope I could have mustered up, the sickness and fatigue seem to have lifted. It's not ALL gone, but I was out of bed ALL day today, and even cleaned the kitchen. The fog of the past 5 weeks has been so depleting, and I just feel so thankful that I am rounding some kind of corner.

We got to see baby jared #2 this past Friday. Dr. B couldn't find the heartbeat, so we got to have another ultrasound. Baby #2 was WILD doing kinds of karate moves and acrobatics. I was really happy to see just an active little soul.

I don't think anyone could have prepared me for how hard this having babies, raising toddlers phase of life is. I am sure there are folks out there who do this with more ease and natural ability. I find it to be humbling work.

On another note, I just watched Extreme Makeover Home Edition and cried throughout the entire thing. I find these people's stories so inspiring. Perspective is good.

Well, I am off to sleep. yeah, it's 8pm.