saying goodbye

we said goodbye to welsie today. She drove away in a white hummer, on a snowy day. She's probably at her new home about now. The liaison said she was going to be about 45 minutes away.

Josh and I both cried. I have had a few months to get used to the idea- but I am reminded that we are just not meant to say good bye. Grief is something that just washes over you- coming and going as it pleases. reminding me of the risk that love carries. even for a dog.

oh welsie- you'll be greatly missed.

but not your drool:)

addendum: that ended up being the hardest day I have had in a really long time. like someone had cut off an appendage. I kept looking around looking for something to grab onto. but nothing really filled the empty space. nothing.

I slept hard last night, and let sleep do it's healing magic. It did help, but the sadness still is lingering even this morning. When you open the floodgates, the rains fall from all sorts of places. So, along with losing Welsie, there were all the other doubts and fears that I have been carrying since we moved here. So much of our life here in Tulsa has been trying to find a place to feel grounded. Many people have asked us that since we bought a house, are we planning on staying here? Well, we are here for now. I don't think either of us think of this place as our forever home, and that in someways has allowed me to let go and enjoy our time here. We also know that we are supposed to be here right now, and that we don't really know where else to "be" except right here, right now. And I think letting of go of the one thing that linked the past to the present, was really, really, difficult.

linkage

well, I am a bit stressed and cranky. so how about some internet linkage?

crafty blog

home hacks

dan zanes

timing

For a few months now, we have been thinking about giving away Welsie. As the human child was ushered in, the dog child has slowly been edged out. I should say the dog- human. She is as big as one.

I love Welsie. I have not loved her well, though, these past couple of years. I keep feeling this heaping amount of guilt- thinking- how could you not love her? How could you shoot her such mean glances and such harsh words. But I do, and have.

So, long story short. We put Welsie up for adoption about a month ago. She deserves better, and will make such a sweet companion dog to someone who needs that. We loved her for that reason for a long time.

but babies and giant breed dogs don't mix, at least for us, and so we filled out the paper work and left it in God's hands. I was open to whatever happened. We love her, of course, and I was open to letting her go- but not excited about it.

Last night we got a call. Someone wants sweet Welsie.

She'll probably be gone by next week.

So, it seems like perfect timing. as we pack boxes and start life in our new home.

I also feel a great deal of sadness. and that's ok.

just kidding- some verbiage on church, lent, and whatnot

so, there are busy days ahead. But Annie is playing happily by herself, and I just poured a cup of afternoon coffee, and I am feeling like writing words. so....

some thoughts on church. lent. and whatnot.

I have always used Church as my compass. Running with the metaphor of being lost, on a pilgrimage, the Church has been a true north for me.

In Tulsa? not so much.

It's not that I don't want it to be, or that I don't long for it- it's just that nothing seems to fit here. My energy wains. I see the luster of spiritual pioneering in younger, more hopeful eyes. I see something of my past.

I am not the kind of person who kills themselves with obligation. I have never felt pressure to serve out of some need to feel responsible. I have this issue in other areas- like career or friendship- but Church, well, I just feel like if there is some place where God can see things for how they really are- then that's the place. So, in my never ending quest to be true to self, I have let myself off the hook. or something like that.

Truth is- I miss church. but sometimes things get removed and it shows you where your true devotion lies.

I probably needed to see this. experience this.

Meanwhile, my husband wastes away as he practices his lenten fast.

I say tomato, you say tomato.

I have somewhat fasted from meat via my husband. and because I just watched Food, Inc. I may never eat food again.

But really, I write all this to say, that though I am glimpsing at joy and fighting for contentment, I find Church in this town to be difficult.

and this makes me feel lost on some days.

I just hope I make it to church on Easter.