Merry, Merry

We have nothing on our calendar today. This is the first day in I don't even know how long, that we have no where to be.

Somewhere around last Tuesday, I thought about waving the white flag. I was losing my cool with the kids on what seemed like an hourly cycle. The laundry was simply out of control. We have a new puppy, so just add a little of that into the mess. I felt like if one more person put a sugary treat in front of my kids, I may pummel them on the spot. Not to put too fine a point on it all, I was feeling a little like Owen Wilson is that movie Shanghai Knights, " I don't know karate, but I know crazy, and I will use it! ".

We had a full weekend planned, with family, and I so wanted to be happy about it, and yet the week just kept kicking me in the face, and I just kept thinking, don't let the crazy win.

Friday night, we have multiple obligations, and Josh and I were considering the divide and conquer method, but I just stared at it all and thought, I cannot do any of this alone, so in an act of solidarity, we tackled our first obligation together, and beauty won. Thank you Jesus. It turned it all around for me.

So we took the girls downtown to an ice skating birthday party. We found a pretty little spot right in front of the outdoor rink, and walked without pain, right to the meeting place. Not long after that, the music started playing, and little people everywhere were skating to Christmas music and  twinkling lights. I watched with my friend, and felt at peace, which I was not sure could be found.

We left a while later and I quickly got ready for the next party, with renewed hope that the earth was indeed a kind a place, sometimes.

I could go on and on, but the weekend was a lovely one, and the time with family was so good for my heart.

We went to Mass last evening, which always makes me a little nervous when we take family into our new church home. Becoming Catholic was never something I envisioned for my life. I don't have this strong urge to make people see how wonderful it is, in fact it's when I take people to church that I often get frustrated. Like, I know you do it same way every week, but a liturgy hand out would be nice. Do I sit, stand, skip to my lou? Sometimes just figuring out the dance can be so distracting, and so I share that burden with my guests. And yet, there I am, sitting my little pew, and at peace. I confess my sins.


I confess to almighty God
and to you, my brothers and sisters,
that I have greatly sinned
in my thoughts and in my words,
in what I have done,
and in what I have failed to do;
through my fault, through my fault,
through my most grievous fault;
therefore I ask blessed Mary ever-Virgin,
all the Angels and Saints,
and you, my brothers and sisters,
to pray for me to the Lord our God.

Or when we take the Eucharist:
 "Lord, I am not worthy that you should enter under my roof, but only say the words, and my soul shall be healed".

I am a mess. My sins are always before me. I want people to act right, and I want that for myself. I want to be kind, gracious, a light on a hill. But I am the constant speck gazer, looking for your trouble spot, without realizing the log that has all but blinded me.

I don't know how to wake up in the morning, but for grace. I think of all the ways grace is offered to me every moment of the day. The fact that my kids still ask for my kiss, even when the face of anger is all they have seen in a day. So much grace. How easily I judge, and yet friends and family show up anyway, and share bread and wine and even laughter.

It's such a holy mess.

I am undone by the grace all around, and I so want to hide from it sometimes, because it can be humiliating to receive it when you know how wretched your heart can be.

So there's that.

We made it through Advent.

Merry, Merry Christmas.