a slow walk to the bottom of the ocean

almost 5 years ago, i left birmingham to go to st louis. to study God. to figure out something. I felt stale on the inside. Looking back, I think I was fairly scared. scared that i would spend my whole life being something that was safe, but not real. by the grace of God, I packed up my bags, left at 4 am on some morning and drove to my new home. i felt alive. really alive.

i soon learned that seminary was a strange place. that studying theology is lofty, mind blowing, weird. strange that people spend years of their lives "studying" God. I felt very insecure those first months. my questions were so big that they were small. mostly along the lines of..."what in the world are we doing here?'

I suppose real freedom came early that year. freedom to be there, and take in what i could. freedom to laugh at the insanity of studying the God of the Universe- as if he could be nailed down, captured, completed...in three years time. in any time. i watched alot. stood on the sidelines. wondered if i ever would really believe it all. believe in a way that would really change who i was. Annie Dillard writes in her book, Holy the Firm, "I came here to study hard things-rock mountain and hard sea- to temper my spirit on their edges. 'Teach me thy ways O Lord', is like all prayers, a rash one, and one I cannot help but recommend". I agree.

and so I found this church. and for three years i sat in a pew and watched people love each other. i listened to their prayers. i watched them cry. I watched them sing beautiful and awkward songs. i got my toes wet. I eased into the shallow end- and thanked God that these people had shown jesus to me.

i was scared. those people gave me strength and hope that i could participate in the community of christ. when i showed up to church, those people were expecting something. a meeting with jesus himself. they called His name and begged his presence- and I believed every word they said.

and then we had to leave.

this past year and half has been so difficult, and yet josh and i both feel like we are really in the depths of learning, digging in, engaging in a life that gathers around jesus and His people, and offers what little we have in worship.

i can tell you, it hurts like hell.

but i can also tell you, that in the still moments I am able to see that what is really happening is that I am in the deep end. I am diving down to the bottom as if there is some pearl on the ocean floor that will save my life. it's jesus down there. down in the nitty gritty ocean floor. where all the broken things sink into the only thing that can hold them.