another quote

If you are interested in the notion of home, place, and identity- read no further than Wendell Berry. He talks extensively in both his fiction and non fiction about the notion of home, having a place, being from a place. I first started thinking about these things when I moved to St. Louis. It was the first place that I lived that was so culturally different than my world. I would have days where I just missed the South so much- and I had equal days where the South was unveiled to me, and I saw things that I didn't like- but at the end of that journey, I really embraced by "place" and owned it- and knew that being from Georgia was in me, as familiar as my own heart beat.

Oklahoma has been similar in a lot of ways- it is actually culturally fairly familiar- almost a hybrid of Southern and midwestern- but it's the landscape that has taken me so far from my home. In St Louis I never felt so "far" from home. But for the first years,I would drive around like a person in a Walker Percy novel, not sure of where I was. I think another thing that has struck me here, is that people LOVE Oklahoma. They love this place. This has been in a strange way alienating and comforting.

This Summer we will have lived here 5 years. I can't really get my head around that, but I will say, that I am- like this quote- learning to be at home. I suppose all this longing for home is rooted in things that we cherish, things that shaped us, things that made us feel safe. I think about Macon, I have no idea what is north, south, east, or west. I just know how to get from here to there, because every road is so familiar. As you grow older, you long for familiar roads. I think I will always remember Oklahoma as the place that really got a hold of my heart, and shook it to its core. I think it will be the place where I arrived at the ground of my own feet, and learned to be at home.


* and by that I mean, to accept and embrace that it is God who has ordered our steps, led us to this place at this time.

my children, my home

I have talked a lot on here, over the years, about home. longing for it, wondering what it is and where it is. I could spend a lot of hours on a therapy couch figuring that out, why I think about it so much. I am sure it is rooted in loss, as is much our pain being human. I endure a fair amount of tension "working this out", because, well sometimes you have to surrender to not knowing, not having the lose ends tied up, and hoping that ultimately our true home is somewhere we haven't been to yet.

but until then, I am thankful for the glimpses.

Madeleine L'engle says:

"We are all strangers in a strange land, longing for home, but not quite knowing what or where home is. We glimpse it sometimes in our dreams, or as we turn a corner, and suddenly there is a strange, sweet familiarity that vanishes almost as soon as it comes." 



I see this with my children. I might feel lost in the chaos, the whining, the incessant begging for treats- but there is something in their life, their thoughts, their sweet expressions, where I get taken in, gripped by home.

These are my people. And I get to watch them grow, be little humans. I get to hold them, and explore with them. I get to be there for them.

I fight so much for my own rights, my own way, my own peace, but when I turn my gaze towards them (When God helps me peel away by own obsession with the mirror)- I realize that all that really matters is being with them, in that moment. 

It is amazing to see someone so convinced of your love. Annie and Millie know, in a way that is intangible, that they are loved and taken care of. If I do anything right, they will always know that. They will never have to bargain for that, beg for it.

Lord, if I stay true to anything, help me do that.

If you have had a week like me, when the AC breaks and you get to buy a 3,000 dollar unit, and your kids were crazy, and all you really wanted to do was hang out with your sister...let's remember that we are not home yet. but we are getting there....

and the home you have, well its pretty great, even so.

a good day.

This was just minutes after Annie and Caroline met. They were already giggling. These girls, how can you not love them? 

Amy and I met through a mutual friend. Amy lives in Virginia, but her family is in Texas, so when they were in town for a visit, we could not MISS the chance to meet them!!!!

And then if this day was not exciting enough, We got to hang out with my old neighbor and dear friend from when I LIVED IN TEXAS! I was Annie's age! So crazy:)

It was such a treat to see Dottie! It did my heart good.

Happy Friday, yall. This momma is tired.

remaining

My scripture reading this morning was about the vine in the branches, remaining in Christ, as to not wither away.

remain.

it's so hard, really.

Sometimes you can't see very far from the place you are at.

so what else is there to do?

The scriptures say if we do, then we can ask whatever we want.

I don't really know what that means?

Ask if God will take my anxiety away?

more friends?

Can I live on the beach?

perhaps not.

but maybe peace. comfort. joy.

perhaps those are things he cares more about.

our hearts.

I honestly don't know. But I do know the moment where I feel like no comfort is to be found, it always shows up. 

remain.

I'm trying.