rag tag annie

Untitled from brooke jared on Vimeo.

a funny letter.

dear little children of mine.

the world would have me write a very eloquent letter to you about how romantic and fulfilling it is to raise little girls. and by little girls, I mean you two. The world or whatever voice it is that whispers in the ears of mothers that they must raise a tribe, make homemade bread, breastfeed without resentment, read to your children all day, never let them watch tv, learn how to tend an organic garden, make your own baby food, wear your baby with a contraption that contains enough fabric to clothe a your entire family for years- this voice, I am convinced is the devil. whispering ideals and beautiful things, but never really being honest or teaching you to be honest.

so, I am not writing you that kind of letter.

The letter I am writing to you is about how bad I am at doing this. Don't get me wrong, you both are adorable, and the love I have for you is fierce. Even when you kick me (Annie) and demand small expensive fish crackers, and it some how feels like I am being held hostage by a very powerful mean person- but then I look down at your little 27 pound self and remind myself who is in charge. How does this happen? It's a mystery, your strength. how the incessant demands make me feel so powerless. I give in. dump the whole bag in the bowl for your liking, all the while knowing I have lost my marbles and have just been defeated by the world's cutest 2 year old. the irony.

And then there is my little newborn. yes, you, amelia. I let you drink yourself into a milk coma- this milk that is miraculously produced by my body and makes me eat entire pans of brownies over 2 days (true story). People make breastfeeding sound very romantic and cuddly. Well, the truth is it is hard. time consuming. slightly messy. even painful. and then they throw it up. all over you. I am thankful to be able to feed you, but it doesn't make me better. The voice tries to tell me that- but it's just not true. what's true, is that it is hard to care for little babies, and even more intense to nurse them. intensity can be character building, even sacrificial. It can also make you crazy. My advice to you is to try and figure out where you are on that pendulum, if it's getting closer to crazy, then maybe one might need a plan b. this applies to most things, not just feeding your baby. in case you were wondering if I had thought way too much about the moral implications of breastfeeding. It's just the thing always on my mind right now. that will change, but the pendulum doesn't. You'll just be wrestling with some other dragon of sorts at any given time. anyway, you get my point. lay off the crazy. it will only hurt you and everyone around you.

I know this because I almost accidentally hit your sister with a pepper-thingy this morning when the mounting pile of dirty dishes almost got the best of me.

we are always works in progress.

there will be people on the internets and perhaps even in real life, who make family life look like it's always 70 degrees and lemonade and cupcakes. does that make sense? I think I might be hungry right now. but anyway, my point is that most of these people are not telling the truth. Yes, God willing you will have these beautiful kind of days. When the sun in perfect, and your kids are joyful, and food is so good you think it might actually be heaven. There will also be days where you mourn your former life. Your single, thai food eating days. Your sleeping 12 hours a night days. Your beach going, galavanting self. Your fashionable clothes. Your 18 year old metabolism.

You'll wish for a shower that lasts longer than 2 minutes.

and just a measly beer. with your husband. alone.

But, with all the loss. all the really hard days. all the cup cake-less, not enough coffee weeks, I can honestly say.

you girls are worth it. I am better for having you in my life. I know a love that would have been vacant from my life without you.

I would not trade this. ever.

difficult, yes. Am I good at it? hardly. Will I hurt you with my words, my actions, my discontent. Most likely.

Am I hoping the love I have for you will be enough to cover the yuck?

I sure hope so.

love,

mom

almost 10 weeks old!

here you are little millie. almost 10 weeks old!

At 8 weeks, she was still my little runt. 8 lbs, 15 ozs.

She eats every 3-4 hours.

She's starting to sleep at night for 4-7 hours.

She is my serious, pensive, cuddly baby.

she mostly smiles when she sleeps.

I can appreciate that.

video

I talk a lot on this blog about my spirituality. It is mostly ramblings, and probably a bit moody. I've jumped on plenty of theological band wagons over the years, and as I get older I lean more desperately into mercy and grace and mystery.

However, at our Community Group last week, the leader of the discussion showed this video with John Piper's voice in the background, commenting on the Prosperity Gospel- name it, claim it, faith healing type of theology. That kind of thought is huge in this part of the country- and like I said, I don't have real strong feelings about it- but I was really struck my John Piper's words- mostly because I feel like at the end of the day, it's what I so desperately want to believe about God.

that he's enough.

when it all goes to hell. He's enough.

This doesn't mean that there isn't hope, and joy and so much to be thankful for.

It doesn't even discount faith.

But we live this vast, emotional life with so many experiences.

I just want Him to be enough in all of it.

watch here: