arkansas...

So, we make our little trip to Arkansas Children's Hospital next week. I haven't written much about Annie's hair lately, because I have just been trying to practice trust and patience. And, the reality, is that with time, I just fail to notice anymore. But then, I catch a glimpse of an old picture, and I feel this tinge of sadness. I don't stay there long. It doesn't help Annie, it certainly doesn't help me.

So, she does have some peach fuzz "growing". It's not vigorous, if you can call it growth at all. she has some blond on her eyebrows, as well as some itsy bitsy short, blond eyelashes.

I suppose I may be in a bit of a denial phase. The shock has worn off. life has carried on. and I have quit thinking for the time being about a future with wigs.

Our latest drama is that currently our insurance has denied coverage for our visit to Arkansas. Even though, not one doctor we have seen has had a documented case of Alopecia in such a young child. only expletives come to mind. So, we're writing letters, getting our ADULT dermatologist to send us a referral, and getting our pediatrician to write a letter (that we were told we would have to PAY for...don't even get me started.) What is the world coming to?

So, we are going regardless, because you do what you have to do for your child. I wrote a very nice, informative, nurse-y , heavy on the medical jargon letter detailing her history, and am praying for something. The cost may be very little, but should they run tests, etc, we could be looking at a hefty bill. All that to say, it would be nice if we heard back before we left, but I have my doubts.

that's all people. it's been rainy and stormy here all week. I have been feeling a bit tired inside and out.

We went to a community group last night, and it was good. It felt like a place we could be among friends, and well, that's been a long time coming.

I suppose we all in some way or another hit walls in our pursuit of practicing spirituality. Some, perhaps, would call Josh and I a bit snobby in our pursuits of an aesthetically rich practice of worship. This may be true. I am also needy enough to know that you do what you have to do, and at the end of the day, it's about loving people well, and giving up whatever rights I feel like are mine to hold on to. holding on is incredibly exhausting.

what I do know is that the people who have made me feel the most free and loved, were those who practiced those things well. I am leaning into those examples these days.

quote happy.

I don't do well with my goodreads account- but I do love goodreads because my very bookish friends are very diligent to update their latest reads, which in turn gives me months of reading material! another thing I love about goodreads are quote sections for authors. So many times I want to write about something in a book and I don't feel like actually finding it again and then transcribing it- well, goodreads almost always comes to my rescue. This has made me a bit quote happy as of late, which may start to get annoying. just so you know.

on another random note

I awoke at 5 am to tornado sirens. these never scared me in Birmingham, but they do here. We were fine, and there was no tornado, but I am sure there will be one, and I may or may not wet my pants when it happens.

like mother, like daughter

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."
— A.A. Milne (Winnie-the-Pooh)

this is how I found annie this morning. so chill. don't worry, we don't do this all day. but we're not afraid to, which is what I love.

thirties

my thirties have been a rite of passage.

my twenties, were just a more mature (ever so slightly) version of my teenage years. future oriented. self absorbed. wide-eyed. unafraid. longing for love and romance. ideals. fighting for some idealistic version of the truth. it was mystery and wondering and hoping and I am going to be so different than everyone else. uber sincere. authentic. perhaps even an urban hippy.

I am now 34 and I eat frozen waffles everyday for breakfast.

I drive a volvo.

and my child sits in a European car seat.

I shop for groceries at a big box store.

and the flea market kind of stresses me out with the crowds and the 30 different venders trying to sell me lettuce.

I live in a midtown suburb, and I seriously contemplate getting a yard man.

I read new york time best sellers.

I work the night shift for crying out loud.

I am unsure of current events and even more unsure of anything political.

I go to church in a very ugly building and have become increasingly unsure of what it is we are really doing.

I still have faith, I am just less dogmatic about it all.

but perhaps the rite of passage lies more in the transition of a me - centered universe to something else. a universe where people live. my child lives. a universe where it's not just about what I hope and long for, but what I actually do day in and day out. What kind of place and world I create for my child and family to live and grow. the kind of place where my child plays in a pot of dirt for an hour in sheer bliss. a place where that matters. a place where I can breathe a deep sigh of relief that there will be a feast day. hopefully many. when I will drink from the well of deep, life giving friendships. I glimpse it now, but will truly experience when all things are made new.

this makes today better. it makes all the dreams of my 20's ok in the humdrum minutia of my thirties.

I am convinced that no matter how banal some of my days feel- that these are some of the most important. I collapse from exhaustion at the end of my days. such are the days of a world where I no longer rule the roost.

I still secretly wish of being all that I dream about. I try. sometimes I do what is easy. I glimpse a bit of heaven and long for it. I glimpse my 20's every now and then and long for that, too.

but I am here. 34.

I just got my hair colored, but haven't brushed my teeth.

I'll probably let my child watch too much tv today, and I may buy something unnecessarily from China.

I'll have to forgive myself a million times today. and I'll hopefully utter one prayer.

and at the end of day I will hopefully say. this is good. this is really good.