looks like a baby

Today we had our first trimester screening at UAB. This is an optional screening for all pregnant women, that shows pretty good indications of whether or not you might be at risk for downs syndrome or one of the other trisomy's. It also is a good indicator for congenital heart defects. I have seen enough in my own medical experience, to want to be as prepared as we can for this baby. However, this morning, I was thinking- you know, maybe I would be okay NOT knowing. Oh well, it was too late, and I knew the non-emotional part of me knew this would hopefully be a helpful thing.

So, the good news is we got to see the baby. Isn't he/she cute? The Doctor was very scientific and mostly what I heard was bla bla bla, downs syndrome, bla bla bla, more downs syndrome. So I was about to have a full on panic attack the whole time. Keep in mind, as he is giving his little talk, he is moving the ultra sound around, taking measurements, giving you no indication if you need to worry about all his bla, bla, blas. Finally, at the end, he said "everything looks as it should". I had some blood work as well, which will be back in a week or so. The ultra sound along with the labs will be evaluated, and then I'll find out our risks, etc.... Sounds fun, huh?

It was reassuring to this little baby today. I try so hard not to worry, but I just do. 

2nd trimester, here I come.

what a day.

I shot a very fun wedding today, and now I am laying on my bed with my feet regaining some feeling:) But, what I really wanted to share was that today we signed a contract on our house. Monday, we had decided to see if we could rent, as we were running out of time. I didn't feel like we were giving up, but in some way we were laying out our fleece, asking God what we should do. We got more than 10 calls that day, which was super encouraging- and stressful, as we then had to think through how to screen, do applications, etc.... My anxiety level was high.

And then Wednesday happened. Three showings.

Thursday we had an offer.

Today we signed a contract.

I know it's not a done deal, but it looks hopeful. and I am feeling less like I am going to lose my mind:)

I can't believe we are moving in three weeks.

lots of posts

I know I keep updating the blog with mundane details, but I am feeling so overwhelmed, it helps me to write it down. My words always seem to help me stay grounded, like getting them out in the universe helps me to see where my hope is (or lack thereof). helps me realize that it's okay to feel like things are a bit out of sorts. helps me to admit- that there are days when I am completely unsure of most things, and there are other days where I am absolutely sure of so much.

One thing that I have known, and that I am really feeling with great intensity right now, is my need to control. I tell Josh that I need him to take over some things, let me off the hook. He does so willingly, but I hardly listen to my own request. I wake with thoughts churning, working the books in my head, making calls, etc... But I am tired, and scared to the core about this little baby, and though I seem tough and unyielding, I am anything but.

I wrote to a friend today that I wish we did not have to fear difficult things in this life. I really believe in having hope, and staying positive- I feel more at ease when I do so, but I also know that the best attitude cannot always prevent pain, and so I carry that burden as well; I carry them both.

These days, I am longing for peace. that long pause. that one long moment of contentment. Space in my mind to be quiet. A moment to be utterly still in. 

Ah, just writing that helps feel like it's a possibility.

weary

We've had a week straight of traveling and family and birthdays. It's been fun and exhausting all at the same time. And now, we are facing all that comes with a leaving a place- and well, it's starting hit home, making me sad in a lot of ways.

There is also the weight of still trying to sell our house, or rent it, move ourselves to middle america (with a 130 pound dog , no less), start a new job(s), make a new home, and somehow not fall into financial ruin:) Lord, have mercy.

I am reminded today, though, how all the little details that overwhelm me, are falling into place. Today, three small things were taken care of, with ease, which  I thought would be more tedious. Then, my sweet mom and grandmother came to help me clean our house, as we have a showing this afternoon. I was really sick this morning, so it was a huge help to have them here. And then, the showing itself- another small gift. 

I don't know how this will all work out, but it will, and with what wee bit of faith I have, I will keep asking God to help us.