good times in texas

well, josh and i missed the snow, as we were in Texas and Oklahoma this weekend visiting family. We had a great time seeing everyone, especially our two little nieces. We love you girls!

superficial, kind of.

I feel like my posts oscillate between too much and too little. oh well. it is my blog, and I am trying to care less about what people think. I mean I do care, but I can care too much. I digress.

So, I was going to show you a vain photo of myself as I got my hair chopped off. I had a brief period of mourning, but I am better. I just think deep down I want to be this long haired beauty queen. That is absolutely hysterical if you know me at all. So, short it is. for now. Oh, and there is no picture because I have been running around in the sleet getting a flat tire fixed.

the most brilliant idea in the world. cooking club. I am in my second week of being a part of dinner co-op. Three families. Three meals a week. Here is how it works. I cook on Mondays for three families- enough to feed 2 adults. I take the meals to them. On Tues and Thursdays, I get a meal from them. Is that not brilliant? I have only experienced this dinner bliss for two weeks, but it is really a great deal. My grocery bill got cut in half. HALF. It is so much cheaper to fix one meal (for 6 people), than 3 separate meals a week. Plus, you just don't have to think about it, which for me, is half the struggle when thinking about meals for the week. I also am much more motivated to be creative, eat healthier, etc.. I think the catch is proximity and consistency and simplicity. We all live within 2 miles of each other. We are committed to doing it every week. And I think three is a perfect number. 4 gets a little more difficult to navigate. You will inevitably be gone one of those nights, anyway.

examples of the delicious meals I got last week.

mon- spaghetti with meat sauce; salad with carrots and tomatoes and parmesan cheese with balsamic vin. dressing

tues- baked chicken seasoned with olive oil, paprika and cumin topped with a bell pepper pico de gallo (yum) and spanish rice.

thursday- broccoli chicken casserole with salad, little ice creams with chocolate syrup!

This week-

mon- chicken enchiladas with pico de gallo

tues- pork and wild rice; mixed vegetables sauteed in lemon; and crescent rolls.

I mean, you may be WAY more domestic than me, but I would not have in a million years prepared this amount of food in the past week. The great thing is also portion control. You get just what you need ( I am still learning this, I am not good at figuring out what is enough, too much, etc...)

Anyway, so far I am loving this, and would highly recommend it.


Well, aside from going to the gym and getting a tire fixed, I have had a completely worthless day-and I have LOVED every minute of it.

winter thaw and a little bit of hope (warning: positive words will follow)

I have this problem with letting certain people or influences, much of the time people I hardly know, get the final word. I start thinking about the world, or my church, or how I relate to my friends based on the loudest voice in the room. I have gotten so lost in the loud voices, that I have lost my own.

This weekend, I reluctantly went to our women's retreat for this very reason. I had come to this place where I was not sure if I could make a home at this church. I had so much fear about every person I met. I had translated the louder voices onto every person I was meeting- assuming, they were demanding the same things. I know that I am being vague, and I promise I am not speaking about one person- this is more or less a collective voice or presence that I just have not been able to shake. The voices that condemned me actually wanting to know God. know Peace. fight against my own brokenness. perhaps talk about what my repentance looks like. that maybe the way I talk, or live my life might actually have something to do with what's going on inside me. That maybe- God forbid- I, we, you might be wrong about something. The voices that suggested that even talking about the way we might abuse language, or alcohol, or friendships was wrong, or judgmental. The voices that suggested that it was weak to want more, arrogant or "legalistic" to not be ok with leaning on my sins for comfort. Call me crazy- but I just want more.

This weekend, I felt like I was breathing oxygen for the first time in two years. I heard kind voices. Voices that long for so many of the things that I long for. I felt kindness, and willingness to lay down our arms, and fear. It didn't feel like some battle I had to survive. I felt like I had a voice again, the one God gave me. And the beautiful thing is that circumstances in my life are not any different. I am still in a difficult place, I can be honest about that. I can even be mad about it- but I am really. tired. of being scared of the lies. The lie that says I am unreasonable person because I just want to live my life in an honorable way.

The bleak winter (that has been my heart)- is beginning to thaw. and that's good.

worry, words, and prayer

I have been reading at the recommendation of friends- The Divine Hours. It's more or less a prayer book, with scripture readings prayers- a lot of it taken from the Book of Common Prayer. There are readings for morning, mid-day, and evening. I find the repetition helpful and the words are usually a comfort.

every now and then cynical me shows up (well, i suppose that it always the case), but usually the words quiet me. Today, in the reading, is the scripture "do not worry about about food, drink, clothing- your Father knows you need these things". On some level, of course, I find this comforting. Though, I have worried for little. ever. I mean, I worry- I was worrying this morning about "money", as I often do- but seeing that we have a home, and food, and clothes. I mean, the worry is pretty much unfounded. And yet, I latch on to these words for comfort- and a wrong interpretation would be that it means I won't ever be uncomfortable. It's comfort that God might actually care about these things-but I hear and see plenty of things to know that for many, clothes and food and money is a very real worry. I wonder how they would hear these words from Jesus. I know you are starving, and you've been wearing those clothes for months- but do not worry, Your Father knows what you need....I just don't know.

I am really fighting to believe these things. these words. I feel so overwhelmed by the truly broken places. I have a friend who has been jetsetting around Africa feeding hungry people and helping them get healthcare. She just got transfered to Darfur. She accepted the transfer- and she knows how dangerous it will be. She knows the grim details. and she is going anyway. In the midst of all that, she sees God at work. I think she believes those words for people.

I don't know how much is guilt, that I live here, in this place where things are more or less "easy". I feel overwhelmed, even, by what we have, and I wonder what God thinks about it all. Will He love us despite it all-

I hope so.