Friday, I sat in our Good Friday service with a heart I scarcely recognized. It was engaged.
Friday afternoon, I drove to our church, and stood in a line for my first confession. Confession is available at any time during the year, but it is common practice for Catholics to go to confession on Good Friday.
I have been pretty comfortable for awhile admitting that I was pretty much a mess- but this is a different thing than sitting in front of a priest, and saying, I'm a mess, and I hurt others (and myself) because of it.
I was nervous, but when I entered the confessional. (It was a small room with a lamp, and I sat across Father J, face to face), I felt deeply at peace.
I can only express my experience as tender. I have never really felt God's love for me in such a tender way, ever, in my whole life. I am not exaggerating. I did not feel beat up, judged, ashamed- but loved. When I left, Father J. took my hand and said, "you are a good person, Brooke".
I wanted to weep.
Jesus loves us. He LOVES us. And he used a priest, in a confessional to show me.
I think it was feeling that love, that tenderness, that made Good Friday so breathtakingly meaningful for me.
In light of that love. Good Friday can only make one weep. and adore.
In the Catholic church, we venerate the cross on Good Friday. One by one, we walk down, kneel, and kiss the cross. There are old lady's who get on their hands and knees and kiss the cross at the very bottom.
I have no words for that.
Last night, Josh and I were received into full communion in the Catholic Church. I never thought this would be our story.
Sometimes a light surprises the Christian while he sings;
It is the Lord, who rises with healing in His wings:
When comforts are declining, He grants the soul again A season of clear shining, to cheer it after rain.I am thankful to be in a season of clear shining, and after almost 4 years of wandering, to have found a home.
5 comments :
Brooke, I totally thought of you this weekend, wondering what that rich liturgy would be like, wishing it could be mine to experience too. Then my cousin called and we talked theology for a bit, and she shared that a couple of her cousins by marriage grew up Catholic but never knew the Gospel in its whole and glorious truth. She blamed it on them being Catholic. I told her that maybe there are people in every denomination who are blind to the Gospel, not so much because of the way their church does things, but maybe because they don't have ears to really hear and eyes to really see. Maybe they aren't hungry enough. And it made me wonder something.
Do you think that you get to see the total richness and beauty in the Catholic church because you have grown up outside of it in other denominations? Do you think that those who grow up in Catholicism are able to see the whole Gospel as easily? (And I totally don't like the word "easily", but can't come up with a better one.)
I'm asking because I'm hungry and I'm trying to figure out where my own journey needs to go. And I'm mindful that my three year old won't have had the varied denominational affiliations and journey I've had, and I don't want him to miss seeing Jesus. Right now, we're in a place where he only sees Jesus from my husband and me in our talks, the music we play, the stories we tell. Our church is in a pretty broken season, so he's not hearing it from anyone else around us. Yesterday we sat in a service and heard our pastor cry and share his brokenness and how Psalm 22 fit with what he is feeling. Not exactly Easter material. Maybe more like Good Friday. But it's been a hard road for our church body, and we're faced with deciding if we will keep traveling with them or find somewhere else.
So that's why I ask. Because your journey intrigues me, and I so wish it were possible to have Tulsa and BC be much closer so we could chat about this over coffee.
~ Sara
Hi Sara- wow, all good questions. ones I have asked myself during this process (and to my priest and our spiritual formations director)
I once heard a Tim Keller sermon where he was talking about being at a Presbytery meeting where they were seeing candidates for ordination. He said every single one of them said something to the effect, "I grew up in the church, but never heard the gospel"- He said, exactly like you, that no one "hears" the gospel until given ears to hear, essentially- that in a way,most of us have that story.
I think the Catholic tradition (partly because of its largeness), will always be at risk for being a cultural tradition for many, versus a faith tradition. I feel like this is true for faith across the board, though. I know the part of the country where I am from, Christianity is very much the cultural norm- it is deep set in the culture. I think true faith is something we are always fighting for in the Church. No matter which tradition you fall in to. I know both our priest and spiritual formations director, grew up Catholic, explored other traditions, and then found there way back. I saw Anne Lamott recently write, "We are all just trying to walk each other home".
amen.
I also know, inevitably, I can only speak for my own experience. I often wander if we would have landed in the Catholic Church, had we been somewhere else. But, alas, we are here, and we were starving, and this is where we found food.
I also know I am bit like a junior high kid who just got saved at church camp:) I know, eventually, we will rub up against things that feel frustrating.
I heard a priest talk about the church when speaking of the corinthians verse, "But we have this treasure in earthen vessels"
This treasure of the Church is being carried on in earthly bodies- which are broken. There is a sense in which we will always be fighting corruption, bad decisions, broken leaders, and complacent followers. The Catholic Church is not immune to this (obviously- The reformation, sex abuse scandals, etc..) However, it has endured (the church universal), because God loves it.
If you are interested, one of the first books that I read was by Thomas Howard (brother to Elisabeth Eliot- she's like a modern day protestant saint:)- anyway, he converted back in the 80's and wrote a short little memoir that is super gracious, short:), but incredibly comforting. I read it way before I thought about being Catholic, but was entering into seriously thinking more about liturgical forms and historical worship, etc...Anyway, I found it incredibly comforting to read someone who understood my background, and who had deep gratitude for it- as do I.
http://www.amazon.com/Lead-Kindly-Light-Journey-Rome/dp/1586170287
I am sorry that was such a long response. I do wish you lived nearer, too!
Brooke, thank you so much for taking the time to write out such a thoughtful answer, and for the book recommendation. You've given me a lot to think about, and I would love to read something from one of Elisabeth's family. She was my hero growing up, though I never quite succeeded at her idea of "quiet waiting" when it came to the boy I liked. :)
And long responses are always a treasure. So no worries there! =)
Congratulations. What an amazing time to come into full communion with the Church. What an amazing story for you to have to weave into the fabric of your daughter's lives.
sls
Brooke- I have peeked in at your blog for a long time. I was a sorority sister of Whitney's and came to love your photography, then your candid-ness about your move to the midwest and then the beauty with which your wrote about dear Annie. I grew up in Savannah and am a life-long Catholic but have found my adult journey as a Catholic so special and unique. While at UGA, I wrestled with whether or not to stay a catholic, so captivated by the passion and energy of non-denominational ministires there. By grace, I realized I could have both and easily brought my new love of scripture and worship music to the faith of my childhood. This post made me so thankful for the ways God leads us closer to Him. THanks for posting. Glad to have found you again!
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