irony

I did our taxes the other night.

they were unusually simple this year.

only one state lived in.

no mortgage.

very few deductions.

leave it to uncle sam to remind me how ungenerous we were this year.

and then I think about how I have had this little person attached to me for 13 months. for every meal. every need. for seemingly every moment.

i gained a human, and lost my life. i encountered the most amazing kind of love, and lost all of my rights to a quiet night or plans or security.

i also seemed to be sucked into some kind of vortex where the world seemed to spin madly on (to quote the band, the weepies), as I lived quietly with annie and josh, in our little home, in our little sleepless world.

what a year.

but this week, I seem to be opening up to the possibility of a world outside our own four walls.I feel some sorrow of our lack of generosity. our insulated year. I admit I have not wanted to engage with the needs of those around me. My plate seemed full and needy enough. but these are just excuses, really. it's not a place to live, where you pretend the world isn't happening.

As josh and I look for a home- I can't help to feel conflicted, ironical, spoiled, excited, and confused. My new home and how I want a nice stove and 2 bathrooms- seems so shallow in light of recent tragedies in Haiti and the daily ones that haunt so much of this world.

what do I do with that?

I beg for mercy and I beg God to remind me that I don't deserve any of it. that I am blessed beyond measure. I come face to face with the rich young ruler- and know that could be me.

walking away with a broken heart because Jesus asked me to give it all away.

I have been reading "The Ragamuffin Gospel" by Brennan Manning with my bible study group.I have read this book a number of times, but feel as though I am reading it for the first time. and it's good to read such words during such sober times of questioning.

I don't listen to many "christian" artists perse, but I saw Sara Groves in concert a number of years ago and was so struck with her presence and honesty. I love this song of hers- "when the saints"- because it reminds me of what awaits us, and that the pain and sorrow will lift. and we'll see it with our own eyes.

"when the saints" by: sara groves

Lord I have a heavy burden of all I've seen and know

It's more than I can handle

But your word is burning like a fire shut up in my bones

and I cannot let it go

And when I'm weary and overwrought

with so many battles left unfought

I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard

I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars

And when the Saints go marching in

I want to be one of them

Lord it's all that I can't carry and cannot leave behind

but your word has compelled me

when I think of all who've gone before me and lived the faithful life

And when I'm weary and overwrought

with so many battles left unfought

I think of Paul and Silas in the prison yard

I hear their song of freedom rising to the stars

I see the shepherd Moses in the Pharohs court

I hear his call of freedom for the people of the Lord

And when the Saints go marching in

I want to be one of them

And when the Saints go marching in

I want to be one of them

I see the long quiet walk along the Underground Railroad

I see the slave awakening to the value of her soul

I see the young missionary and the end of the spear

I see his family returning with no trace of fear

I see the long hard shadows of Calcutta nights

I see the sisters standing by the lepers side

I see the young girl huddled on the brothel floor

I see the man with a passion come and kicking down the door

I see the man of sorrows and his long troubled road

I see the world on his shoulders and my easy load