quiet

it's very quiet right now which makes me think my chilrin are up to no good. I am not done with my coffee and Dora is here to babysit, so it's all good. That Dora, teaching my kids to be bilingual.  How can I ever thank her?

So, it may be too soon to write about this, but I break enough rules on a daily basis anyway, so what the heck.

One of the more beautiful and challenging things we have thought through since becoming Catholic has been the theology of life. family. and children. This is all woven together, but you get my drift. I know, eyes rolling as you imagine the Duggers, with all 19? 20? Who knows how many children. That's a lot. I am too old for all that, but anyway…

So the happy news is that I was pregnant, and then the sad news is that I wasn't. Yes, we had a early miscarriage over the weekend. Yes, it was sad. And yes, I am doing ok.

We had decided in early January that we would trust God and be open to expanding our family. If you have been on my journey at all,  as in the puking for 9 months journeys with both of my girls, you know this decision was made in much trepidation. If you've been on this blog for a LONG time, you also know about the 3 years we cried out for a baby.

God gave us these beautiful girls. And the chapter just didn't seem to be closed.

As we made the decision, I felt my heart become at peace. This happens, not all the time, but often, when we give our trust to God and not ourselves.

And then the test was positive, several months later. I was scared. happy. really scared.

And then sad.

There are so many questions? You open your heart, and then it gets filled with a difficult burden.

You open your heart to life, but only to lose it?

These things are a mystery, but like all suffering, it also makes me closer to Christ. Our suffering is never alone in the Cross. It is always shared.

So that's it. I feel at peace. I am reasonably sad, and then life carries on. We all hold hands together.

I really love this little blog that I found, and I think you might like this video. Enjoy!
(disclaimer- this is not  anti- protestant propaganda. you may disagree with some things she says. that's ok. let's all be friends:)

dear spring

Hello out there! This is me today. My school girl. My coffee. Millie is somewhere peeing on the floor, because, well potty training aint really her thang. I keep thinking she will eventually tire of it. I have completely quit caring, which seems to mostly be working- or not.

Let's see, I went down to working one night a week instead of two, which has been amazing, except for the pay check. This has turned out to be highly motivating for my photography business. I have decided to go for it for real, one last time. I also started a wedding business with a friend, and we are getting business, but these things are slow going, and I am just trusting that the hard work will pay off eventually. I am taking things like marketing courses and learning about SEO. This all makes my head explode, but the creative pay off is worth it. I hope anyways.

I was able go to Mass all by myself this past Sunday, and this fabulous priest was visiting. When I went to mass, I was able to kneel for once without Annie licking the pews (yes, this happens) and I found myself praying- jesus. make me better. make me better for my kids. make be better for josh. for all of humanity, just make me better.

Then priest preached on woman at the well. 

and living water.

and giving people dignity.

and I thought about the little lady I sat with a few nights earlier at work. A woman in her 60's who had lost her mental game from a stroke. I spent most of the night telling her there was no cat in the room, and no peanut butter crackers in her bed. Then she would have these moments as I was watching "island hunters" on hgtv, and she would be like "must be nice", and I was like, "yep". At one point she looked at me and said, "this is not good." And I knew what she meant. This woman, this really young woman by all accounts, was basically in mental limbo, and a shadow of her old self. And I was sad.

jesus, make me better.

And then the offering came, and the choir sang "Give me Jesus", and I thought this might have been a better prayer. and then I thought, maybe this was the answer to my prayer.

I guess it doesn't really matter, because Jesus met me there.

Millie turns 3!

I was in a state of shock for the first year of Annie's life, with Millie I caved early, melted into a puddle, and decided not to fight it.

It's been such a joy to watch our little Millie come out of her shell this year. She speaks so well that sometimes I forgot she was only 2! She speaks with a little lisp, and sings night and day about the fact that "SHE IS THE PRINCESS". In other words, we best not forget it.

Amelia loves her "fings".  That is, her lovies, her blankies, her dolls. She wants them all, right next to her. She is a sweet balance of baby and independence. She wants to be in charge, but she still wants you to get her out of the bed. I am ok with that.

She's not potty trained, and that is entirely my fault. I have a million excuses, none that are good. We'll get there.

I kept Millie home this year, so we've spent many a day tromping throughout Tulsa. She's been my little side kick, and it's been good for us.

With that said, HELLLOOO Mom's day out. Yes, We'll be seeing you next Fall.

I've really enjoyed seeing Millie and Annie form a friendship. Millie always asks about Annie throughout the day, and I feel so thankful they have each other.

Sisters are the best.

It is strange to feel so connected to these little beings, and yet they still remain kind of a mystery.

Millie seems to be athletically inclined, but she loves to dance. Where will this life take her and her talents?

These are the kind of things that weigh on my heart. Will I be in tune enough to her gifts to encourage them and help her (and Annie) pursue them? So much of life seems to be about finding our way-  I just want to be the best advocate for my girls that I can be.

So there you go. She's three.

a little link...

One day, when my thoughts are little more processed, I will write a nice long blog entry about my journey to the Catholic church.

BUT, until then, This lovely soul has written something so close to my own experience, I thought I would share.

I am not trying to convert NOBODY. Let's just be clear about that, but I find myself often just wanting to explain, but it always feels like too much or not enough.

So, until then, I shall ride on the more articulate wings of women I have stumbled upon.

Link here:

"I did not move toward Catholicism from a place of certainty. I moved from a place of desire. And I did not walk steadily toward it. I took a flailing, reckless leap."