I have had lots of emotion surrounding this little blog. I struggle, often, with just making it private. Many times (like yesterday, and many more before that), I write something, and then delete it, because I am too audience oriented. Things I want to say and share, I feel timid doing so- because I fear judgment or misunderstanding. But, like I have mentioned before, this is one of the huge weaknesses in my life- the care I take to please my audience- however large or small that may be- and well, sometimes, you just have to be who you are. People can choose to trust you, remain your friend, and just love you how you come- or they may not, and at the end of the day, you just can't change the way people are. and they may think you are crazy, or too this or too that- and you know what. it just doesn't matter. I have to remind myself how attracted I am to people who are confident in their sense of self- not that they are self sufficient- different thing-but rather, confident in whose they are. who they belong. who they were made to be.
And so, I am trying to lean into myself. not rely on myself, but leaning into who I am, how God made me, and really trying to listen to THAT voice.
Much of the reason I document life on this blog, is so my kids will have this written account of their lives, and their momma's life. I am not ashamed to share this life with them. I hope they will read one day about the things that I fought hard for, the things I felt worthy of surrender, and my love for them. I hope they will see the confusion and the clarity. I hope they see it all- so they will know that life is topsy turvy sometimes, and that's ok. They will see that people can change, and grow, and even come to see things differently. This is good. being static is not.
All this to say- I have not made this blog private, because many of you tell me that these words have encouraged you. I also feel connected to the world in some way, and knowing that others are reading, does give my writing some balance (though often its tilted a bit too much in the 'i want to please you direction'--I am working on this.
God is doing a real work in my life. After three very difficult years, I feel like the little lamp is burning again. There is light in places that have felt cold and damp. I feel freedom in areas that have previously felt like a prison. I feel true remorse and repentance in areas of my life that been closed off to the kindness and forgiving nature of the Gospel. There is been much discontent in my heart for the past three years, and the chains of that discontent, are slowly being unshackled. This has come in surprising ways.
About 6 weeks ago, Josh and I officially began a new church path. After what feels like a three year tug o' war- we finally (mostly me- josh has been ready) made the decision, and that Sunday we attended our first Mass. I feel like we have entered this foreign country where nice people keep offering us comforting things, and we have no idea what they are saying, but we feel welcomed and nourished. Yes, there is this craving to speak the language, and even be "home", but we cannot deny the calling and peace that is present, despite our inability to understand the language and customs. I am a cradle Protestant- and much of my life has swung to the rhythms of that Protestant life. If you had told me this was the path we would have taken- I would have laughed in your face. told you that you were crazy.
who has pie on their face now?
Many of my more theologically inclined friends will take offense. How could we turn our backs on the Reformation- Luther, Calvin and list of saints that followed? Well, I don't really feel like I am. I am also only 6 weeks in, with many weeks, months, (years, even)- of discernment ahead of me.
What I can tell is that a deep peace has fallen over me. I can tell you that Mass has brought welcome rain to a parched soul. That I am caring about things that felt more like a burden in years past. That I am reading the Bible (GASP!) and praying (DOUBLE GASP!).
I can tell you that God seems to have laid out a path before us- with a Priest that I am certain even my most enthusiastic theologically inclined friends would approve of, a Catholic family that has befriended us- and feel like kindred spirits after one dinner. Someone willing to keep our kids so we can attend classes for the next year as we discern this path together. The list goes on.
I know not everyone will understand. and here is where I have to be a grown up and say- I just don't care anymore. I wasn't even sure I wanted to wave the flag quite yet- you know, this feels like a very personal thing- and it is- but this blog is personal to me, and to not share this part of our life- well, it just seems like hiding.
With that said, I will leave with a quote a good friend posted on Facebook yesterday. It was good for me to hear. so good.
