language

I am seeing more and more how I don't have words for things that I used to. Especially in regards to spiritual language. I find myself saying, I just don't know what that means. I think we end up taking on spiritual language, much like we do English (or whatever you speak). Someone we love, speaks to us, tells us they love us, teaches us how to say dog, cat, what have you. And before you know, we are a little talking person, armed with words, and southern twang to boot (if you are lucky).

I guess many people, along the way, have given me words to speak about God. If I admired them, I probably adopted their language, or at least some of their words, and used them as my own. I don't know what it is about words that can connect something inside and make it more of a reality- but sometimes it seems to do so.

But lately, I feel like my language is changing- it's not that I don't borrow words, I do. I am just borrowing new ones. The old ones feel cliche. like "what is your ministry", or "the gospel"- I just don't know what that means really. or maybe it just means too much.

lately, my language is more internal. or long sighs (my favorite professor said he thought these were little prayers). I adopt josh's words- Lord, have mercy on me, a sinner. I say prayers like, Lord, I have no idea what I am doing. I feel tired of "church" (note: big global church) and everybody feeling they have to be right about you. I feel grief for how broken this all feels. I feel like I want to worship in a place where I can say these things out loud, but I don't feel like I have that right now. I feel frustrated that my words don't match my longing.

i don't know alot about the church calendar, except that I grow to love and lean on it more and more. maybe, just maybe it is the wisdom of the church (in all its folly), to tell us the story, year after year,of redemption. maybe the church knew, people like me would lose their words, and this story- would be told despite my mute tongue. maybe the church knew that we might find comfort in a season of waiting. i say this every year during advent, but josh once told me that advent reminds us that some tears don't get wiped away until heaven. those words, i get.

BIG HUGE LABS

just playing around. I like this site

kind of glad?

I bought a second camera a couple of months ago, because I was starting to shoot some weddings alone. It was canon's new 40d, several steps up from my xti (which I adore), and I have been trying really hard to adore it (the 40d). really hard. I can't really explain it, but something has felt off about this camera from the get go. All the reviews I had read were great, but me, I was secretly using my (now beat up ragged looking) xti. ALOT. more than I should having a newer, shinier, camera.

and then yesterday. it just quit. I have had it all of 60 days and something is bad wrong. I think my instincts were right. it was a dud camera. a really nice dud camera.

so off it goes to New Jersey today, where I have begged in a letter to send me a camera by Friday (preferably a new, non dud version), as I have a wedding on Saturday.

I still have the trusty xti, which I would have secretly shot with anyway.

sweet